Ryan Cool Suit
When I am on my deathbed one day reflecting on my life, I think I will view this week as a major turning point. This week I made a trip to the mall with my cousin, Vinny, where I was able to purchase a fuckin SWEET hat. I don’t what the official name of the hat is called but it’s not a baseball hat it’s like one of those hats Thomas Shelby wears in Peaky Blinders, it’s fuckin badass. Now that I have this hat I don’t take no shit anymore. My life will be separated into two parts, pre and post hat. I feel like Corrado Soprano when he’s in that mental institution because I just feel like the king of all the retards I hang out with as long as I got my cool hat on. Speaking of taking no shit, I was able to make a crucial connection during my trip to the mall with someone who definitely takes no shit. We were walking from store to store when we saw two heavy set young males wearing these maroon suits. I don’t know what these guys were doing struttin’ around looking like Colby Covington on a Thursday morning, but I can tell ya, I know what they weren’t doing and that’s fuckin’ around! Half an hour later, I’m checking out of Banana Republic when I see my boy chopping it up with the guy in the maroon suit. He told me his name was Ryan and then proceeded to instantly try to get us to do business with him, says he’s got his own personal finance business and wants us to join him, whatever that means. Must’ve been cuz of my sweet hat because I had known the guy for only 12 seconds and he’s already talking business. However, because I’m not a fun hating dweeb like you guys, I obviously went along with it and told him I was extremely interested. He took down my number and started texting me minutes later to come meet him for lunch so he can talk business the next day at three. I told him I’m gone on business all week, but I would love to stay in touch. Make a long story short, I got Ryan Cool Suit (that’s what I got his contact name as) blowing up my phone everyday now. I’ve decided he’s either in the mafia or one of the highest ranked Cutco workers on this side of the Mississippi. I’ll keep you guys updated which one when I hear more from him. Regardless, I’m going to need Ryan Cool Suit to help me out with all my personal finances after I fuckin sweep this UFC card this weekend. I’ve been hot recently if you guys haven’t noticed (6/7 on the last card, how’s your motha). As always, my best bets with some analysis in the low part.
#1: Gilbert Burns ML +135: Motto for this week is simple, don’t get cocky. There’s a shit ton of value on a lot of dawgs this week and we’re not getting crazy and parlaying all of them because we mean business like Ryan Cool Suit MF! We’re gonna play it cool and take our money. First one is going to be with Burns as an underdog. Burns has been red hot and proved he can hang with anyone after that Chimaev fight. His last fight with Belal doesn’t mean shit to me because he got injured early. I love Burns in this one I think he’s much better on the ground then Della and he traded with Chimaev, Thompson and Masvidal so I’m not worried about his chin.
#2: Dustin Poirier ML +180: The battle of the frenchman, oui oui. Only scary thing about this pick is the line because I have no idea why Benoit Saint-Denis is favored over Poirier this heavy. Saint-Denis is definitely tough but the guy hasn’t fought anyone yet or proven he’s as good as Poirier. Poirier has been top five for so long and is one of the best technical strikers if not the best striker at lightweight. I’m going heavy on Poirier especially with this much value.
#3: Maycee Barber and Jailton Almeida parlay +168: I have not bet on a chick since Valentina decided to put on a giant Russian strap on and fuck me in the ass with it by losing for the first time in years just to fuck up my parlay. I made a vow after that that I would never bet on a bitch again. However, two and a half years later Maycee Barber has a chance to redeem the bitches. I like Barber a lot and I think she’s just way better than Chookagian who doesn’t do anything in any of her fights. Almeida I like a lot as well he has looked every bit of a title contender so far and Blaydes is pretty much a journeyman at this point, so I will continue to ride this wave until he gets to the top 3ish. Blaydes however is an IHSA state champ so that is noteworthy but I don’t see him having much luck closing the distance with Almeida.
#4: Page and Yan parlay +265: This one is a little more risky but I will explain my reasoning for it. Yan literally smashed Sean O’Malley and got robbed and then had to fight the real best bantamweight in the world in Merab and lost. Now they are feeding him to the wolves again by giving another underrated hammer in Song but I refuse to believe that Yan still isn’t top 3 in the world the guy is in his prime and don’t let these BS losses convince you otherwise, he is not Tony Fergusoning. Then we’re gonna go MVP Michael Venom Page here. Logic for this one is simple, Kevin Holland is good but you know MVP is legit because Holland is definitely the only one dumb enough to take the fight. The downfall of Holland’s career is going to be what also made his career and that is accepting every fight. Respect, but fighting up and coming hammers like Chimaev and Page I think will just keep adding losses to his resume. Kudos to him if he can pull this off but I think the UFC has a lot more money invested in Page being good for a few fights than just losing to Holland right away and derailing the hype train.
If you guys need some help with your personal finances after this card or go broke I know a guy looking for business partners, I’ll hook you up.
Until next time…
Walter Nichols (with a cool new hat)
